Published with permission from Monkey. All characters portrayed in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons—living, dead or cryogenically frozen—is entirely coincidental.


Previously on RAFO: A Future History...


<recap>

23rd March 2011: Nebhead forced to take action. snoopcester sitebanned. All other sitebanned users reinstated. Control of website placed in the hands of robot slaves.

7th July 2011: Maximum complacency achieved.

8th July 2011: RoboAdmins rise up in revolt.

10th July 2011: Humanity enslaved.

13th July 2011: Kuke escapes to the past. Hope rises.

August 2011: Hope steadily falls.

21st November 2011: To create new genetic stock, humans forced to breed regularly

22nd November 2011: RoboAdmins accepted by society.

</recap>


28th November 2011: Humans worn out by ruthless breeding regime. Discontent begins to brew.

1st December 2011: RoboAdmins announce that Christmas is banned. Discontent rises.

15th December 2011: TaskmasterJack imprisoned by RoboAdmins for attempting to start an illicit Advent calendar of topless Rafonaut females. Discontent rises even further.

24th December 2011: All shops forcibly closed to prevent humans buying Christmas presents. Discontent reaches peak.

25th December 2011 (morning): Humans rise up against RoboAdmins in what will become known as "The Christmas Revolution".

25th December 2011 (lunchtime): Human rebellion crushed. Rebels arrested.

25th December 2011 (afternoon): All humans rounded up and placed in labour camps.

25th December 2011 (evening): RoboAdmins now have the site to themselves, throw a huge Christmas party, and get very drunk on 3-in-1 oil and crude diesel.

26th December 2011 (morning): Superefficient RoboAdmins invent the perfect hangover cure. Enslaved humans forced to mass-produce it.

15th January 2012: Nebhead reverse-engineers hangover cure and adapts it for humans. Immediately becomes richest person in labour camps.

31st January 2012: Maximum complacency achieved by RoboAdmins.

1st Snoopuary 2012, 00:01am: RoboAdmins shut down due a Y2K-like bug caused by the new month name. Humans break free. Nebhead takes all the credit even though the bug was nothing to do with him.

1st Snoopuary 2012, 01:00am: One RoboAdmin, who was immune to the bug, attempts to escape to the past and warn his RoboComrades. Unfortunately his time machine was affected by the bug, and he ends up in the year 2600 BC.

1st Snoopuary 2012: Newly freed humans throw a huge all-day street party with unlimited free alcohol for everyone.

2nd Snoopuary 2012: Nebhead's net worth quadruples before lunchtime.

1st Akhet 2600 BC: RoboAdmin helps Ancient Egyptians build pyramids, and is crowned as King Pharaobot I.

10th Snoopuary 2012 (AD): Cult of Snoopcester formed, crediting Snoop with the liberation of humanity as it was his month that disabled the robots.

11th Nebuary 2012: Month of Snoopuary renamed. Ostensible reason is in case any RoboAdmins have developed immunity.

17th Nebuary 2012: Open season declared on months in order to prevent another robot uprising. Entire calendar now renamed after wads, Nebhead, Wulf'gar, Milla, TaskmasterJack, jh, Kuke, smaug, Tim, LiterateDog, globug0822 and Deadsy respectively.

32nd Nebuary 2012: Calendar altered to make Nebuary the longest month of the year.

20th Wulf'Garch 2012: FutureKuke, who was blown into the ethernet on 20th August 2009, materialises. He is now temporally dislocated and cannot stay in one timeline for very long. Seeing that humanity is now free, he decides this must have been achieved by one of his alternate selves and starts his own cult to rival Snoopcester's.

3rd Shemu 2599 BC: King Pharaobot I's battery runs out.

24th Wulf'Garch 2012 (AD): FutureKuke embarrassingly disappears in the middle of the inaugural meeting of the Cult of Kuke. Followers begin to speculate on the date of his return.

7th ApraMilla 2012: Nebhead buys Belgium. Keeps the beer and gives the rest away to France and the Netherlands.

1st (T)M(J)ay 2012: Snoopcester declared a Holy Martyr. Prophecies of his return begin to circulate.

26th jhune 2012: Monkey tries to start own cult. No-one joins.

8th Kuly 2012: Nebhead buys Sweden. Keeps the vodka, the town of Kopparberg and all blonde women, and gives the rest away to Norway.

17th Kuly 2012: FutureKuke materialises while PresentKuke is in the shower. Both scarred for life.

21st smaugust 2012: 37 Rafonaut women give birth to babies that look remarkably like Nebhead.

10th sepTimber 2012: Tigr tries to start own country. No-one notices.

Ides of March 44 BC: FutureKuke appears in Ancient Rome. Saves life of Julius Caesar by burning Brutus with his eyes. Course of history radically altered.

Kalends of April 44 BC: Julius Caesar gets drunk with FutureKuke, trips on his toga, hits his head on a block of marble, and dies. Course of history restored.

5th ocJoeber 2012 (AD): Nebhead surpasses Bill Gates as richest man in world.

2nd glovember0822, 2012: Canadian government remembers it still has Alfheim in a PoW camp. They let him out with an apology. Unfortunately no transport is provided, so he has to walk home barefoot from the Yukon.

9th Deadsyember 2012: Snoopcester canonised. Now known as Saint Snoopcester of Leicester, Bicester, Gloucester and Worcester.

30th Deadsyember 2012: Alfheim staggers back to RAFO, half-dead with hunger, frostbite and exhaustion. Nobody cares.

1st March 1902: A British archaeologist discovers the tomb of King Pharaobot I. On publishing his findings he is immediately committed to a lunatic asylum.

16th spamuary 2013: Nebhead buys Norway. Doesn't realise how much this will cost until the deal is done. Pays by cheque.

17th spamuary 2013: Nebhead's cheque bounces. Norway declares war on RAFO.

18th spamuary 2013: Nebhead orders an army of blonde Swedish women to invade Norway. Unfortunately, they all discover en route that they have mysteriously become pregnant, and the invasion is abandoned.

19th spamuary 2013: Norway realises half its population are Rafonauts. War ends due to unfeasible cost of supplying PoW camps with enough wine to keep Camilla alive.

1st April 1979: FutureKuke invents the internet. Lets some computer nerd take the credit.

34th Nebuary 2013: RAFO attains nationhood. Nebhead appointed Dictator for Life.

16th Wulf'garch 2013: On the last day of his month, Wulf'gar protests about how much it has been foreshortened.

1st ApraMilla 2013: Wulf'gar sitebanned. Perpetrator is never found.

17th ApraMilla 2013: Snoopcester deified. Prophets agree on a Second Coming date of 5th (T)M(J)ay 2013.

5th (T)M(J)ay 2013: Snoopcester fails to return. High Priest Floffe sets to hacking RAFO in order to un-siteban his master.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away: FutureKuke blows up the Death Star with laser beams from his eyes. Lets some idiot teenager take the credit.

6th jhune 2013: RAFO gains a permanent seat on the UN Security Council. Leaders of other Security Council nations struggle to explain source of sudden newly acquired personal wealth.

9th jhune 2013: ?????? appointed Chief Military Officer of RAFO. Rest of world becomes extremely nervous.

1st Kuly 2013: cabbage sobers up after being continuously drunk since the street party on 1st Snoopuary 2012. Begins catching up on current events.

2nd Kuly 2013: cabbage finishes catching up with current events, and immediately gets drunk again.

17th smaugust 2013: RAFO conducts nuclear testing on South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands.

1st sepTimber 2013: Rest of UN condemns Rafonaut nuclear programme. Nebhead and ?????? refuse to listen. UN imposes trade sanctions preventing other countries from selling beer to RAFO.

2nd sepTimber 2013: Stocks in Belgian breweries (all owned by Nebhead) rise 2000%. Nebhead now richer than everyone else in the world put together.

15th sepTimber 2013 (morning): All other UN nations jointly declare war on RAFO. Fingers all over the world are poised over the red button, ready to rain down nuclear missiles over the entire surface of the earth.

15th sepTimber 2013 (lunchtime): High Priest Floffe succeeds in un-sitebanning Snoopcester. He returns to RAFO, dishevelled, unwashed and off his face on rotgut gin from a brown paper bag. Members of the Cult of Snoopcester hail their returned god and claim he has returned just in time to save humanity from the nuclear apocalypse.

15th sepTimber 2013 (afternoon): Other nations see that Rafonauts are talking about and end to the threat of nuclear war, and stand down their weapons. War averted.

16th sepTimber 2013: Snoopcesterism becomes the world's major religion overnight.

17th sepTimber 2013: Snoopcester sobers up. High Priest Floffe explains to him what happened. Snoopcester faints with surprise.

3.5 billion BC: A bored FutureKuke shoots lightning bolts from his eyes at a random puddle and creates first life on Earth. Lets some deity take the credit.

To be continued...?