...look, I'm a child of privilege. I've wanted for nothing and I've never been touched by tragedy. (A grandfather died when I was eight.) I've felt sorry for myself, sure, but I've never... hurt. Suffered for a reason outside myself.
You have the energy to get up and go - and I am seriously telling you that I have a long term plan, one that is working out, and in a few years I'll be fine, and I want for nothing.
I can do what I choose. My parents are not only here, they're around, and they're solid, and even if they both died - let's be brutal - I'd still be set.
I'm not saying that your sorrow and loss and depression was less than mine. I'm saying yours was and is different.
I'm not asking to be fixed. I'm asking - I realise I have been very incoherent - for you to share, so I can live vicariously through your vitality.
(It sounds really gross when I say it like that.)
And you have shared, and it's... it's heartening to see someone else's endurance, or strength, or get up and go, however you'd like to define it. So thank you.
You have the energy to get up and go - and I am seriously telling you that I have a long term plan, one that is working out, and in a few years I'll be fine, and I want for nothing.
I can do what I choose. My parents are not only here, they're around, and they're solid, and even if they both died - let's be brutal - I'd still be set.
I'm not saying that your sorrow and loss and depression was less than mine. I'm saying yours was and is different.
I'm not asking to be fixed. I'm asking - I realise I have been very incoherent - for you to share, so I can live vicariously through your vitality.
(It sounds really gross when I say it like that.)
And you have shared, and it's... it's heartening to see someone else's endurance, or strength, or get up and go, however you'd like to define it. So thank you.
You're welcome.
There are other stories, other things I could tell. I've seen and done some wild things, some good, some cool, some terrible, some horrible.
In that way, despite some tragedy, I'm blessed. My daughter is a blessing too as she is quite awesome and gets more so as time goes on and she grows older.
In some ways, I think that your very problem might well be because of the privledge you describe. Everyone who is not privleged thinks that life would be so much better if they didn't need to worry about money, about stuff etc.
They never understand why people who are wealthy, or successful or privledged become depressed or even kill themselves. They don't realize that they have what some (not all) people who grew up wanting for nothing lack - which is perspective.
My best friend is a great guy but he's always had it easy. He grew up in a high end middle class family. While he wasn't (I think) quite so priviledged as you, he wanted for very little. Right out of University he got a job that he worked at for well over a decade. He never had to look for work until he was in his mid to late 30s. Even then the pressure wasn't high. His parents GAVE him a house. Here, have it. Darned nice house in a gorgeous area too. Not huge, but hey, it's just him.
He sees me, bouncing from job to job, usually very underpaid and often ill treated, money always tight and while he tries to sympathize he really can't. He's just never had to worry where the groceries are coming from. It's not that he doesn't understand intellectually but that's not the same as a deep seated fear of wondering how you're going to find the money to keep the lights on in the dead of winter.
I don't know what it's like to grow up as you did - obviously. However my parents, while not wealthy, did pretty well and we never worried much about things like food in the house or the like and there was usually money for a fair amount of entertainment and extras. There was enough that I didn't really have 'future dreams' of being a doctor or a lawyer or something because that was near unthinkable. At one point I dreamed of running a gaming store. That's about as far as I got.
Some folks who grow up well off know that they'll run the family business and devote themselves to that. Or they have some other dream of public service, travel, adventure, something. But others simply drift along because they want for nothing. I can see how it would be extremely de-motivating because you don't HAVE to strive. So why do it? And that sucks away all the motivation until you just sit staring at the walls.
On occasion I've been out of work with money and time. To many folks this sounds like a dream. I find I go stir crazy after about 2-3 weeks. I wind up looking for a job out of sheer boredom because I feel bereft without a purpose. This despite the fact that I have TONS of hobbies. Literally tons. I have loads to do but without a purpose and role in the real world I just don't do them.
I think - perhaps - what you're going through is sort of that on a larger scale. I might be wrong or entirely misreading it - but based on what you've written above it seems similar. Of course text is terrible, but it feels like it might be close to the mark.
Not sure what all the above means, but I hope perhaps it helps some. Feeling all 'drift' is a terrible thing. At least it is for me.
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk.
Old Egyptian Blessing
Old Egyptian Blessing
Danae-Log: So. What makes life worth living?
08/05/2010 05:04:26 PM
- 1523 Views
The good bits
08/05/2010 05:17:37 PM
- 1141 Views
Re: There are cannibals out there who believe(d) that if you ate bits of your enemy/someone,
08/05/2010 05:24:16 PM
- 1014 Views
Re: There are cannibals out there who believe(d) that if you ate bits of your enemy/someone,
08/05/2010 05:27:27 PM
- 957 Views
Re: It's because the muscles haven't gotten all developed and stringy yet.
08/05/2010 05:28:44 PM
- 1068 Views
Re: It's because the muscles haven't gotten all developed and stringy yet.
08/05/2010 05:30:42 PM
- 900 Views
Re: I think lots of us had pre-construed that anyway. Sorry.
08/05/2010 05:35:16 PM
- 1019 Views
Try meditation. Just breathing exercises and relaxation.
08/05/2010 05:24:34 PM
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Re: Um, I meditate. And I manage quote fine without CDs to do it. *NM*
08/05/2010 05:27:28 PM
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I would posit you're not doing a good job if you're considering suicide. *NM*
09/05/2010 04:39:05 AM
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Re: I'm not considering suicide! It says so in my post! I'm so annoyed with people who assume I am!
09/05/2010 05:23:37 AM
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Why do you need to affirmatively say you're not considering suicide, then?
09/05/2010 05:41:50 AM
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Re: Because I wanted to make clear my problem, and ask for a little help that wasn't about fixing me
09/05/2010 05:50:27 AM
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I can only think of one reason
08/05/2010 06:43:11 PM
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Frankly, I agree, but it's not something of which people can be really be "convinced. "
12/05/2010 12:43:29 AM
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No
12/05/2010 12:53:42 AM
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Oh, I totally agree.
12/05/2010 01:05:29 AM
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Ah, so you used "convinced" as a verb and not as a participle *NM*
12/05/2010 09:30:59 AM
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personally
08/05/2010 06:45:45 PM
- 1014 Views
That's an insanely hard question Danae
08/05/2010 08:53:06 PM
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Re:
08/05/2010 08:58:50 PM
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Ah, I see
08/05/2010 09:19:22 PM
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Re: I think the difference between you and me in some ways is...
08/05/2010 09:27:17 PM
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Well - I'm glad it's of some help :-)
09/05/2010 09:39:20 AM
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So what makes you think death is any better? *NM*
08/05/2010 09:11:46 PM
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Re: Um, since I am not contemplating suicide, it's not an issue.
08/05/2010 09:16:39 PM
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No easy answer.
08/05/2010 09:26:52 PM
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Re: Dude, my new pills have cured my insomnia, it is awesome. I'd forgotten about that.
08/05/2010 09:28:54 PM
- 995 Views
I just wanna know what's next, 'cause it tends to be baffling.
08/05/2010 10:18:16 PM
- 1118 Views
Re: Do you believe in reincarnation? You might be able to! *NM*
09/05/2010 05:24:17 AM
- 479 Views
That would be way awesome.
09/05/2010 11:53:40 PM
- 1071 Views
Re: I haven't read it. Or heard of it. Let us know what it's like! *NM*
10/05/2010 08:36:41 AM
- 619 Views
Experience
08/05/2010 10:44:08 PM
- 1114 Views
I'm fairly certain there isn't some magic "thing."
08/05/2010 10:45:34 PM
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Because I can't be world dictator if I am dead
08/05/2010 10:47:37 PM
- 943 Views
Re: I think it's a RAFOnaut thing, to want to be world dictator.
09/05/2010 05:28:01 AM
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Helping other people. *NM*
08/05/2010 10:51:28 PM
- 480 Views
Can't help you there.
08/05/2010 11:22:01 PM
- 987 Views
Some days it just boils down to duty.
09/05/2010 12:52:06 AM
- 1114 Views
Re: The no expectations thing is HARD. To do on a moment-to-moment basis.
09/05/2010 05:43:00 AM
- 1074 Views
I was in a slightly bleak mood when I wrote the first reply. I need to amend it.
13/05/2010 12:59:09 AM
- 1149 Views
That there will be a sixth season of Supernatural?
09/05/2010 06:30:34 AM
- 1074 Views
Re: I actually haven't watched anything since xxx released ddd and told aaa he'd say ssss.
09/05/2010 10:28:03 AM
- 880 Views
love, connection with others, the awe of being alive in the world
09/05/2010 07:17:34 AM
- 876 Views
Whatever you decide it does
09/05/2010 10:17:09 AM
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Yep, it's one of those clips that makes you think mankind isn't that bad after all *NM*
11/05/2010 09:20:38 AM
- 569 Views
The small things.
09/05/2010 10:45:46 AM
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Re: Dammit, Rebekah, now I have a song playing in my head.
09/05/2010 11:06:46 AM
- 845 Views
Carnal bliss, hydrocodone and brownies
09/05/2010 10:47:24 AM
- 1129 Views
I stick around for updates to the Danae-Log!
10/05/2010 12:14:43 PM
- 1099 Views
Re: Dude.
10/05/2010 04:44:24 PM
- 907 Views
Heh. click the link.
10/05/2010 05:45:53 PM
- 1052 Views