But over the last few months, I gotta tell you. I don't see the point. It's just going to be more of this... this struggle. Day after day. Why am I doing this? Obviously I'm missing something. Something that makes life "worth living" in a concrete sense, not just in this vague amorphous way.
What am I missing? I've been told to "cheer up" and the only reason I'm not happy is that I'm "not trying". It's like I "want to be miserable". And I look at my little white pills that help me get out of bed in the morning, at my very nice therapist who tells me not to be so angry at myself for not being happy or accomplished or okay... I don't know how to do this "trying" or "doing" or "cheerying".
So. If you feel up to it, if you want to, if you feel like it. Share your joy with me, for a bit, please?
What am I missing? I've been told to "cheer up" and the only reason I'm not happy is that I'm "not trying". It's like I "want to be miserable". And I look at my little white pills that help me get out of bed in the morning, at my very nice therapist who tells me not to be so angry at myself for not being happy or accomplished or okay... I don't know how to do this "trying" or "doing" or "cheerying".
So. If you feel up to it, if you want to, if you feel like it. Share your joy with me, for a bit, please?
There are days when life is wonderful but that can easily come crashing down within moments of feeling euphoric so I don't count on it lasting. I just enjoy it while it lasts. I have had more good days in the last few years than I used to. For a long time life was a burden and I really did wish to die. But it isn't something I am going to do because of what it would do to my family.
I don't have the kind of depression where I just lose interest in everything. It is usually a more violent depression where I absolutely loathe myself.
Little pills have made a huge difference for me. The highs may not be quite as high but the lows aren't nearly as frequent and lasting. I can live with that. I can also live with the stigma of taking the little pills although I don't advertise that I take them. I know that I wouldn't have made it this far without them. My brain isn't hard wired for this life otherwise.
Duty has the final say though. There are too many people that depend on me. My parents are very old now and I need to be there to take care of them. I used to feel that I needed to stick life out because I would be the one that ended up taking care of Maurice,my mentally retarded brother, when my parents died. However he died last November. But right before he died my daughter gave birth to my first grandson. Johnny is making a huge difference in my will to live. Another person that just radiates joy and love. He is way better than any drugs could be. But he also has Goldenhar Syndrome. I kind of feel like my brother was waiting for someone to pass the torch to before he died. Maurice was a big part of why I stuck around. I needed to stay to take care of him. Now I need to stay to take care of my parents and be there for Johnny. Life might be kind of hard for him and I want him to have another safe haven where he is treated like any other child and loved.
By the way, people that say "snap out of it" or "try harder" need to be smacked. They have no clue. The one nice thing about being familiar with depression is that you will never say something stupid and hurtful like that to another person.
*Edit*
I liked what Tom said. He put very succinctly what it took me years to figure out. Mostly I tried to stop expecting certain levels of performance from myself. I could accept other people and love them as they were and didn't expect them to be something they weren't. Why not do the same with myself? Easier said than done, but I am much closer to it and much happier than I was before.
No expectations. Wonderful advice.
This message last edited by Tashmere on 09/05/2010 at 02:27:26 AM
Danae-Log: So. What makes life worth living?
08/05/2010 05:04:26 PM
- 1523 Views
The good bits
08/05/2010 05:17:37 PM
- 1142 Views
Re: There are cannibals out there who believe(d) that if you ate bits of your enemy/someone,
08/05/2010 05:24:16 PM
- 1015 Views
Re: There are cannibals out there who believe(d) that if you ate bits of your enemy/someone,
08/05/2010 05:27:27 PM
- 957 Views
Re: It's because the muscles haven't gotten all developed and stringy yet.
08/05/2010 05:28:44 PM
- 1069 Views
Re: It's because the muscles haven't gotten all developed and stringy yet.
08/05/2010 05:30:42 PM
- 900 Views
Re: I think lots of us had pre-construed that anyway. Sorry.
08/05/2010 05:35:16 PM
- 1019 Views
Try meditation. Just breathing exercises and relaxation.
08/05/2010 05:24:34 PM
- 1090 Views
Re: Um, I meditate. And I manage quote fine without CDs to do it. *NM*
08/05/2010 05:27:28 PM
- 613 Views
I would posit you're not doing a good job if you're considering suicide. *NM*
09/05/2010 04:39:05 AM
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Re: I'm not considering suicide! It says so in my post! I'm so annoyed with people who assume I am!
09/05/2010 05:23:37 AM
- 1081 Views
Why do you need to affirmatively say you're not considering suicide, then?
09/05/2010 05:41:50 AM
- 1093 Views
Re: Because I wanted to make clear my problem, and ask for a little help that wasn't about fixing me
09/05/2010 05:50:27 AM
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I can only think of one reason
08/05/2010 06:43:11 PM
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Frankly, I agree, but it's not something of which people can be really be "convinced. "
12/05/2010 12:43:29 AM
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No
12/05/2010 12:53:42 AM
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Oh, I totally agree.
12/05/2010 01:05:29 AM
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Ah, so you used "convinced" as a verb and not as a participle *NM*
12/05/2010 09:30:59 AM
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personally
08/05/2010 06:45:45 PM
- 1015 Views
That's an insanely hard question Danae
08/05/2010 08:53:06 PM
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Re:
08/05/2010 08:58:50 PM
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Ah, I see
08/05/2010 09:19:22 PM
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So what makes you think death is any better? *NM*
08/05/2010 09:11:46 PM
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Re: Um, since I am not contemplating suicide, it's not an issue.
08/05/2010 09:16:39 PM
- 1116 Views
No easy answer.
08/05/2010 09:26:52 PM
- 847 Views
Re: Dude, my new pills have cured my insomnia, it is awesome. I'd forgotten about that.
08/05/2010 09:28:54 PM
- 996 Views
I just wanna know what's next, 'cause it tends to be baffling.
08/05/2010 10:18:16 PM
- 1119 Views
Re: Do you believe in reincarnation? You might be able to! *NM*
09/05/2010 05:24:17 AM
- 480 Views
That would be way awesome.
09/05/2010 11:53:40 PM
- 1071 Views
Re: I haven't read it. Or heard of it. Let us know what it's like! *NM*
10/05/2010 08:36:41 AM
- 619 Views
Experience
08/05/2010 10:44:08 PM
- 1115 Views
I'm fairly certain there isn't some magic "thing."
08/05/2010 10:45:34 PM
- 952 Views
Because I can't be world dictator if I am dead
08/05/2010 10:47:37 PM
- 943 Views
Re: I think it's a RAFOnaut thing, to want to be world dictator.
09/05/2010 05:28:01 AM
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Helping other people. *NM*
08/05/2010 10:51:28 PM
- 481 Views
Can't help you there.
08/05/2010 11:22:01 PM
- 987 Views
Some days it just boils down to duty.
09/05/2010 12:52:06 AM
- 1115 Views
Re: The no expectations thing is HARD. To do on a moment-to-moment basis.
09/05/2010 05:43:00 AM
- 1075 Views
I was in a slightly bleak mood when I wrote the first reply. I need to amend it.
13/05/2010 12:59:09 AM
- 1150 Views
That there will be a sixth season of Supernatural?
09/05/2010 06:30:34 AM
- 1075 Views
Re: I actually haven't watched anything since xxx released ddd and told aaa he'd say ssss.
09/05/2010 10:28:03 AM
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love, connection with others, the awe of being alive in the world
09/05/2010 07:17:34 AM
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Whatever you decide it does
09/05/2010 10:17:09 AM
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Yep, it's one of those clips that makes you think mankind isn't that bad after all *NM*
11/05/2010 09:20:38 AM
- 569 Views
The small things.
09/05/2010 10:45:46 AM
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Re: Dammit, Rebekah, now I have a song playing in my head.
09/05/2010 11:06:46 AM
- 845 Views
Carnal bliss, hydrocodone and brownies
09/05/2010 10:47:24 AM
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I stick around for updates to the Danae-Log!
10/05/2010 12:14:43 PM
- 1099 Views
Re: Dude.
10/05/2010 04:44:24 PM
- 907 Views
Heh. click the link.
10/05/2010 05:45:53 PM
- 1052 Views