Like many Christians, I have a family member who has strayed from the flock and is now a HELL CAT. She didn’t Fed Ex her soul to LUCIFER the first time she stole STRAWBERRY NEWTONS from the Stop & Go, or even after my parents caught her reading Bridge To Terabithia, but now that she works the swing shift at a BIKER BAR the rest of the family wouldn’t be surprised to learn she has garbage bags full of crack rock in the basement.

I never stole Strawberry Newtons... they were Raspbery

What I read isn't any concern of yours and for your information my waitressing job is a good one. I make plenty of legitimate tips and its better than living off of Mom and Dad for the rest of my life.

And I don't do drugs, thats just lies.

But I’m not here to talk about how my sister is a strung out floozie, or how she joined up with TURKISH CANNIBALS, or even about that time she gave the family ceramic TAMBOURINES for Valentines Day. No, I want to share with you exactly what I think might keep your family and friends from GAPING HELL. Maybe you are the prodigal member of your family. If so, my witness should mean even more to you since you’re the one with your sandwich on SATAN’S STEAM TABLE.

I happen to know that you mastrubate in your room while you read the BIBLE!! I've heard you. Bet mom and dad wouldn't be to happy if they knew that

Maybe I want to go to hell... Heaven sounds like a boring place anyway, and if you're going there I definately don't!

Please share any thoughts or ideas you may have. And Pandora, hun, drop your sis a message on the noteboard OK? I know it is hard living in the shadows of someone like me, and that the urge to mimic my every movement must be irresistible, but this “Evil Evangeline” business needs to stop. We all love you and want you to stop your WHORING and LASCIVIATING!!!! Come home!!!! Dad has a wood hen in the freezer and he’s saving it just for you.

I'm not living in your shadows. I stay as far from your goody goody shadows as possible. Your lifestyle makes me want to hurl.

Oh, and tell Dad I have a meat carver waiting just for him.

1. Instant Oatmeal Inheritance: The next time a prodigal in your life comes for breakfast make sure there’s a fantastic spread with whole wheat toast and jam, Sea Monkeys, and juice. But make sure you only offer a packet of instant oatmeal to your prodigal (a packet of generic maple and brown sugar oatmeal is best—then there will be no doubts). When your prodigal looks confused move in with the BIBLE story of JACOB AND ESSAU! Make the BIBLE part of your balanced breakfast!

Ugh! Don't you think this is the kinda crap I left home to get away from you freaks!

2. The Christmas Scarf: Everyone likes Christmas scarves—even prodigals who tend to live in warm climes where they can put their tanned, toned, rippling, greased-up parts out for construction workers’ LEER AND PEEP! Just make sure that you give your prodigal a black scarf and everyone else white scarves. That way your prodigal will know that he or she is still loved and is still a part of the family and that you encourage modest dress, but will also know that she is on LUCIFER’s train to New Jersey and is running out of stops!

If I get another goddamn scarf from any of you people I swear I'll hang you all with them!

3. Nuclear Fallout Bunker Tour: I realize that this one is tricky when it comes to pre, mid, and post-Armageddon raptures, but showing your prodigals that you have a little room in the bunker reserved for them in case of BIBLICAL CALAMITY is a great way to show your love. Show them around your subterranean survival complex. Teach them how to clear the chamber on your AR-15. Maybe even give them a bottle of iodine tablets or let them try on a gas mask.

Paranoid much?

Are you kidding? Armageddon is gonna rock! Death, war destruction... Rock!

4. Jam their Car with JESUS: Slip into their car sometime and set all the presets for Christian Radio (If there aren’t enough Christian radio stations, go with the station that carries James Dobson). Put a butterfly air-freshener on their rear-view mirror. Stuff some tracts in the glove box. Dispose of any PAGAN AMULETS (such as fuzzy dice) you may find and shoe polish their windows with crosses and “WWJD.” Slap an icthus and a good Christian bumper sticker on the back. You may need to “jam” their car with JESUS more than once, so keep supplies for additional witnessing.

Wait till you see the little surprise i left in your car

Nothing says "I love you" like an aborted fetus under the front seat

5. John Birch Society Meeting: Sometimes prodigals who won’t go for JC will still go for JB! Invite them to your next Birch meeting and discuss with them your belief that the Rockefeller’s have propped up the king of Spain as an ANTI-CHRIST. The talks almost always have an indirect affirmation of BIBLICAL APPOCALYPSE, so your prodigal is sponging up the GOOD WORD without even knowing it. There’s usually donut holes and Kool Aid afterward, so use that as a carrot if you have to.

"Thank you for the Kool-Aid, Reverend Jim."

**passes you a cup**

Those of you who support this ministry and are interested in contributing to the cause, be sure and check the wSE marketplace. There is plenty of good we can do for this community and I’ll need your help.

Aww... my dear sweet sister is growing up. Your already learning to fleece the flock. Good for you. There's nothing greater than the feeling you get from being a whore for Christ!


Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!
~ Anton Szandor LaVey