Like many Christians, I have a family member who has strayed from the flock and is now a HELL CAT. She didn’t Fed Ex her soul to LUCIFER the first time she stole STRAWBERRY NEWTONS from the Stop & Go, or even after my parents caught her reading Bridge To Terabithia, but now that she works the swing shift at a BIKER BAR the rest of the family wouldn’t be surprised to learn she has garbage bags full of crack rock in the basement.

But I’m not here to talk about how my sister is a strung out floozie, or how she joined up with TURKISH CANNIBALS, or even about that time she gave the family ceramic TAMBOURINES for Valentines Day. No, I want to share with you exactly what I think might keep your family and friends from GAPING HELL. Maybe you are the prodigal member of your family. If so, my witness should mean even more to you since you’re the one with your sandwich on SATAN’S STEAM TABLE.

Please share any thoughts or ideas you may have. And Pandora, hun, drop your sis a message on the noteboard OK? I know it is hard living in the shadows of someone like me, and that the urge to mimic my every movement must be irresistible, but this “Evil Evangeline” business needs to stop. We all love you and want you to stop your WHORING and LASCIVIATING!!!! Come home!!!! Dad has a wood hen in the freezer and he’s saving it just for you.

1. Instant Oatmeal Inheritance: The next time a prodigal in your life comes for breakfast make sure there’s a fantastic spread with whole wheat toast and jam, Sea Monkeys, and juice. But make sure you only offer a packet of instant oatmeal to your prodigal (a packet of generic maple and brown sugar oatmeal is best—then there will be no doubts). When your prodigal looks confused move in with the BIBLE story of JACOB AND ESSAU! Make the BIBLE part of your balanced breakfast!

2. The Christmas Scarf: Everyone likes Christmas scarves—even prodigals who tend to live in warm climes where they can put their tanned, toned, rippling, greased-up parts out for construction workers’ LEER AND PEEP! Just make sure that you give your prodigal a black scarf and everyone else white scarves. That way your prodigal will know that he or she is still loved and is still a part of the family and that you encourage modest dress, but will also know that she is on LUCIFER’s train to New Jersey and is running out of stops!

3. Nuclear Fallout Bunker Tour: I realize that this one is tricky when it comes to pre, mid, and post-Armageddon raptures, but showing your prodigals that you have a little room in the bunker reserved for them in case of BIBLICAL CALAMITY is a great way to show your love. Show them around your subterranean survival complex. Teach them how to clear the chamber on your AR-15. Maybe even give them a bottle of iodine tablets or let them try on a gas mask.

4. Jam their Car with JESUS: Slip into their car sometime and set all the presets for Christian Radio (If there aren’t enough Christian radio stations, go with the station that carries James Dobson). Put a butterfly air-freshener on their rear-view mirror. Stuff some tracts in the glove box. Dispose of any PAGAN AMULETS (such as fuzzy dice) you may find and shoe polish their windows with crosses and “WWJD.” Slap an icthus and a good Christian bumper sticker on the back. You may need to “jam” their car with JESUS more than once, so keep supplies for additional witnessing.

5. John Birch Society Meeting: Sometimes prodigals who won’t go for JC will still go for JB! Invite them to your next Birch meeting and discuss with them your belief that the Rockefeller’s have propped up the king of Spain as an ANTI-CHRIST. The talks almost always have an indirect affirmation of BIBLICAL APPOCALYPSE, so your prodigal is sponging up the GOOD WORD without even knowing it. There’s usually donut holes and Kool Aid afterward, so use that as a carrot if you have to.

Those of you who support this ministry and are interested in contributing to the cause, be sure and check the wSE marketplace. There is plenty of good we can do for this community and I’ll need your help.



Thank you, Lord, for Second Virginity