So why do I feel like my life has ended?

My fiancé is dead. He is no longer in this world. He has passed away. He was injured in a car crash and didn’t survive the operation. There are a lot of ways of putting it but it all amounts to the same thing. My fiancé is no longer alive.

It’s been nearly 8 hours since I found out and for about 2 hours I was in denial or shock. I just couldn’t believe that he was dead. I mean, how could he? How could he break all his promises? He promised he would always be by my side, helping me, loving me?

How do I feel? I feel angry. Angry that he was taken from me. Angry at him for going away. Angry that he was stupid enough to drive at high speed; I kept telling him, kept asking him, to either give up his motorcycle or drive slower. I told him he would one day get hurt. I didn’t realise he would get so hurt that he’d die. Most of all I feel angry at God, for taking him away. Why him? Why not the driver of the car? Why my Ash?

Nothing I can do about it. Destiny, fate, kismet. He was preordained to die. God does everything for a reason, sometimes we just don’t understand those reasons. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with it. We had our whole life planned out, y’know? I was gonna study while he worked in India. Once I got my degree we’d get married and live happily ever after. He was supposed to visit me in a month’s time. I had all the stuff planned. Where we’d go, what we’d see, where we’d eat, who we would meet. I wanted to show him off to all of my friends and now what do I have?

Thanks for listening. I’m not very eloquent when it comes to talking about feelings. I hope you understood.

To the well organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.