...throw a weasel at your face. How do you respond?

Eat the weasel.

...render you unconscious, dress you in red silk pajamas, and put you in bed with Carrot Top. How do you respond?

I don't know who carrot top is. For the rest though I'd probably hang you off a tall building by your feet.

...force you at gunpoint...no wait, bananapoint. Yeah, that's it, bananapoint. Let's say I force you at bananapoint to juggle 5 chainsaws over a pit of boiling oil, while threatening to shave funny designs into the fur of your pet poodle should you refuse. How do you respond?

Probably die. Those chainsaws are dangerous.

...kiss you like you have never been kissed before. How do you respond?

I'd run.

...eat all the potato chips in your house. How do you respond?

Beat you up, steal your money, buy some more.

...replace your printer cartridge with white ink. How do you respond?

Laugh. That'd be cool.

...use Photoshop and make some compromising pictures of you and George Bush to sell to the Enquirer. How do you respond?

Laugh. Then cut your arms off and make you eat them.

...hide Chucky dolls randomly around your house. How do you respond?

I'd sit in the corner and mumble.

...throw random smileys at you like they were ninja stars. How do you respond?

Kill them all. And you.

...arrange for you to have dinner with either Bob Dylan or Michael Jordan. How do you respond?

I'd say thanks. Maybe shake your hand.

...blow up France. How do you respond?

I'd say thanks. Maybe shake your hand.

...tie you to a treadmill that powers the electrical system in my house. How do you respond?

Flip out. Smash the joint. Steal your house.