...throw a weasel at your face. How do you respond?
Duck.

...render you unconscious, dress you in red silk pajamas, and put you in bed with Carrot Top. How do you respond?
I'd be unconcsious, so I'm guessing you wouldn't get much of a reaction from me at all.

...force you at gunpoint...no wait, bananapoint. Yeah, that's it, bananapoint. Let's say I force you at bananapoint to juggle 5 chainsaws over a pit of boiling oil, while threatening to shave funny designs into the fur of your pet poodle should you refuse. How do you respond?
Confiscate the banana for improper use and smack you for unnapropriate behaviour.

...kiss you like you have never been kissed before. How do you respond?
I would be utterly shocked and would probably have to sit down for a while.

...eat all the potato chips in your house. How do you respond?
Laugh and eat popcorn instead.

...replace your printer cartridge with white ink. How do you respond?
Laugh and have some fun with it.

...use Photoshop and make some compromising pictures of you and George Bush to sell to the Enquirer. How do you respond?
Destroy the evidence and replace the images of me with you.

...hide Chucky dolls randomly around your house. How do you respond?
Freak out and burn them.

...throw random smileys at you like they were ninja stars. How do you respond?
Catch them and pocket them all for later.

...arrange for you to have dinner with either Bob Dylan or Michael Jordan. How do you respond?
Shrug and comply.

...blow up France. How do you respond?
Make you apologise to all survivors, give you a public flogging and get 'em all someplace else to live.

...tie you to a treadmill that powers the electrical system in my house. How do you respond?
Take a nap.

Note: these are on my good days. Otherwise, it probably wouldn't be as peachy as it sounds.